A TCK expert comes every year to meet with kids, teachers, and classes, and do a workshop with the seniors at the highschool in Taichung. I took teh opportunity to talk to her about our ownlittel TCk and asked what are the most important things that we should know about raising a TCK. (Do we have any TCKs in the audience?)
First of all, What is a TCK you may be asking? The acronym refers to Third Culture Kid, and the definition "refers to someone who [as a child] has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture".[1] So it is the mix of the parent's culture, and the culture they actually live in. You can see why this comes into play in a missionary school, where most of our kids are TCKs. I'll skip the other info about TCK profiles, etc, and skip to the advice we got.
1) Take advantage of all the opportunities presetned in the host culture. (Which is good advice for kids in any culture, I think) Travel. Study language. It is very unique to live in a different coutnry and kids should be taught the value of other cultures.
2) Be deliberate in relationship building. TCKs have relational roots, not geographic roots, so be deliberate in building relationships with important people. Send pictures, write letters and send gifts, web chat. Kids can still bond with grandparents and cousins, etc, from overseas. It has to go both ways: A grandparent will never forget they have a grandchild, but a grandchild will forget they have a grandparent.
3) Tell stories. You know, the remember the time we did this, or went there, etc.. A kid at home will hear the stories from uncles and aunts whenever the family gets together, but the TCK parent needs to fill that role.
I am happy that we were doing the things she suggested already. We phone and chat with people regularly, we've sent packages, we've recieved packages. Gemma has a photoalbum with her family people in it and framed pictures of her friends in her room. Of course we want Gemma to feel close to all her family and friends. I know my grandma says this is impossible: "She'll never be close to her cousins like you kids were" (dare I ask if any of you beleive that?) but I think it is possible.
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Hmmm, interesting thoughts. I know that I was much closer to my cousins when they lived close as opposed to when they moved away. And two of Ryan's cousins who live only a province away, but whom we rarely see say they don't feel connected to us "over here". I guess when I do think about it, I'd have to say that you can't have the same closeness when you are apart. Being able to physically be with a person plays such a huge role in a relationship. I know that's not what you want to hear, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but that's what I think. I think that's a big reason why Heather wants to move back. I do think that starting off in the same place and then being separated makes it easier to be/remain close than if you start off apart. Does that make sense? Some people are probably also better at being connected despite the difference than others. Again, I'm sorry if it sounds harsh - it's not meant to be. It's just my answer to your question. :)
Nevada, I too do not want this to come across as ignorant, or mean or anything like that. This is just my experiences.
When we were around Gemma's age I don't remember any cousins or time spent with them, and I don't really remember being around cousins until about 8 years old or so. And my boys, they don't remember doing things with anybody until they are about 3, but they are younger yet so they remember younger. I do know that my boys are way closer to my parents than James' parents because of time spent with them though.
I feel that as kids we spent time with cousins, and become friends with them, because of our parents, but as we got older and as it is now, it is up to us to keep the friendships going. There is a bond there because we are family, but we are friends because we want to be. However, if we didn't develope the friendships when we were young, they probably wouldn't be there now. I know that you are closer to Kim than you are to me, and I am perfectly ok with that, and I am closer to Mikala than I am to you, and I feel that, that is ok too, it is because of all our personalities, but I do feel close to you and I enjoy your company a lot and always have fun with you and love spending time with you, but had we not been around eachother as kids, I don't know if as adults we would have developed the friendship that we have.
Also I know what it is like to be farther away from home, I know that I was not overseas or anything, but I was around lots of people that were very far away from family. I know that when you are away from family, you develope a different kind of friendship, more of a "family friendship". These friends never take the place of your family, but they become your family away from home. I had several friends kids who didn't know their aunts, uncles, and cousins because they were to far away from them, and they all called me Aunty, because I was the closest thing that they had to one. And their moms and I were close enough to be sisters, and quite often we were mistaken for sisters when we were out in public, because of the way we were together and the way we treated eachothers kids.
With all that said, I do believe that if you want your kids to have a strong relationship with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, the closer you are to them, the easier it is to build that relationship and maintain it. It is the playing with our nephews, neices, grandchildren, cousins that builds such a closeness, that unfortunately picutes, phonecalls, and webcam conversations do not.
I think what you are doing with the pictures, phonecalls, and web conversations is absolutely wonderful for the situation that you are in, and that is what you have to do to start the relationships with family for Gemma.
I too am sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but that is my opinion from my personal experience. I can't wait to see you this summer.
Lots of Love
Trina.
I totally agree with Trina. My mom's side of the family were all from Ontario, which isn't across and ocean or anything, but I still only saw them about once a year. But I always felt as close to those grandparents and cousins as I did the ones right down the road. This was before email and webcams, so we kept in touch through letters and phone calls and pictures. Grandma used to record herself reading stories on tapes and send them to me so I could hear her anytime I wanted to. Most of my best memories from being a kid were of all of us just playing those dorky made up games on the farm. This is a different generation though and kids do different things for fun now, but I'm sure you guys will make sure she has lots of good memories too, dorky made up games and all :)
I'm glad people are being open. I'm not hurt at all or offended. I mean, I do accept the reality of our situation. I don't expect Gemma to be best friends with everyone at home. And of course she will bond with people who are similar with her and spend time with her. And that is OK. The idea is not to force friendships. The idea is, and one of the main problems with TCKs, is feelings of rootlessness, and that they don't have a home. I mean, they live in the host culture but it is not really home, but they don't feel connected to home the way their parents do. So Chris and I are going to work hard so that Gemma knows she is from Canada, and that she has family that loves her.
I have to work now, but maybe more later...
I love Gemma very much. I would like to be more involved in her life on a daily basis but I know God has asked that you have accepted his commission to Taiwan. I in turn am making the culture of Asia familar in my home by the Chinese students in my home. Hopefully this will also help Gemma feel comfortable at BABA's house when she is here.
I am glad she has this opportunity to learn and appreciate another culture other than that of her parents. It is the values and morals and beliefs of her parents' that will remain.
We will always be her family plus she will have her chooosen family to love her and support her.
BABA
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