Injury

Our baby has a booboo. We were in the computer room and she pulled Chris' laptop down off the couch, and the corner landed right on her toe. I saved the laptop from hitting the ground (phewww) but the poor girl was just howling. It hit her toe beside the big toe on her right foot and the nail is pretty much lifted right off. It looks like it is going to fall off at any second. She didn't cry long, and is walking fine. We put shoes on her and went out tonight and she didn't complain at all. When we got home I washed her feet in a sink of warm water with antibacterial soap, trying to run the soapy water over the injury and pat it clean without actually touching it too much, or ripping the nail off. She was even examining it, touching it gingerly and then she lifted the nail a bit. It was so funny to watch her examine herself. Of course when she lifted the nail it hurt again and she cried a little more but mostly she is a trouper. I put a bandaid on it (putting bandaids on baby toes is very difficult) and put some snug clean socks on, and we'll see. My biggest worry is that the whole toenail will fall off and then never grow back. I am not joking when I said the WHOLE nail is hardly attached; What is she loses the whole thing? Where will the new one grow? Will it grow? Will it hurt until then?

You know, people talk about the empowering feelings of motherhood and the strength of women. For me, I feel the opposite. I feel being a mother has made me more weak and afraid then ever. From about 3 seconds into the first push during labor I remember thinking, This is impossible! There is no way this is going to work! And I still fight those feelings. No matter what I do, I can not protect her from all the bad things in this world. I can't keep her from falling down on her head as she learns to walk, pulling computers down onto her toes... Arm's reach is not close enough all the time. I can not keep her safe from everything. I can hardly stand the news, hearing about little babies being abandoned or kidnapped or raped and all sorts of awful things. What is she has autism, or some other disability? It was a miracle when she finally burst out of my womb, and I can honestly say that everyday I in awe thank God for letting us watch over this precious little angel. I am completely dependent. I worry that I won't be able to discipline her, even though I know she needs it and craves it, etc. Heck, I'll be honest and say I have no idea how we are going to even wean her in the next 2 weeks (which is our plan).

You could pray for strength for me to do what I know is right and as I battle my own self doubt.